When I was a little kid (and throughout my entire life), my father would expound frequently on the topic of soul mates. He is a very sensitive individual whose idea of how others should act is rarely applied to himself. Not because he's as asshole, he's actually a fairly intuitive, intelligent, and compassionate man. But because he doesn't see that his passionate outbursts are confusing, shocking, and sometimes hurtful. He has a deep seeded need for another human being to understand his outrage with the world and his inability to function within it. Unfortunately, when he meets someone new who is kind and patient with him, he becomes attached immediately and because he wants so much to be accepted for who he is by another human being he goes overboard with sentiment and speculation. He assumes, from their attentiveness that they understand his partial sentences and his too long drawn out pauses before answering questions. He believes, because they may agree on some point and may have a good time together, that he can place his soul out on the table and trust that they will do the same for him. Again, unfortunately, most people are frightened by this boldness; this genuine affection, and they retract their friendship just as he believes he has found his soul mate.
So many times did I listen to him talk to my mother about people he had met whom he felt this connection to, that at a very young age I had a good concept of what it meant. When I heard him describe how he felt- heartbroken, I immediately sympathized since I was the class freak with my homemade clothes, environmentalist attitude, overactive emotions, and way above average intelligence. I didn't make real friends until I deserted being smart and began high school...even then whether or not they were real is questionable.
So now, I have friends yes, but I don't believe I have come across a soul mate. I've definitely forced some relationships with others into that category, but I've realized they never really were.
When I hear people talk about someone being their soul mate (as a new friend and an old friend have been recently) I wonder when I'll find one...and where. There's a profound sense of melancholy I feel when I hear the words, and in every new person I meet I find myself searching their faces and mannerisms- could they be who I've been waiting for? Because there are people who have multiple soul mates right? Can't this person just be one of mine? In actuality though, probably not, considering I am not most other people. It sounds egotistical maybe, and self-absorbed surely, but I am very different from the vast majority of other human beings I've observed. I don't fit into certain cliques because I am multifaceted and not satisfied being only a geek, only a queer, only an intellectual, only a feminist, only an activist, only an audiophile, only a writer. I feel that I give each of these parts of myself equal sway in my day to day actions and thoughts. So being included in a groups of people who identify themselves as only one of these things is nice for awhile, but I become frustrated and feel alienated in the eleventh hour. How does one who can relate to all find someone to relate to her?
I long for a genuine bond. I yearn for that other part of me to release itself. I have so much to give but can only seem to find the people who need to take what I don't have.
