What I've Learned

1/2014-- The below was written in 2007, I think it was.  I've added some things on the bottom:

I just want to take a minute to say that there is no reason other than a tax brake* to get married.
-If your "significant other" is jealous of your friends, gets angry, or tries to prevent you from hanging out with them, drop them as they are most likely going to make your life MUCH** harder than it already is.
-Being in an "intimate" relationship is very similar to banging your head against a wall over and over again. 
-Having a "significant other" is basically saying you have someone in your life who on a regular basis significantly makes  you want to be with others.
-The phrase 'I love you' has been used by men to get women to stop talking since the beginning of time. *** 
-'I'll call you' means they may or may not call, and if they do it will be when you're busy, sleeping, or should be sleeping.  It also means they don't want you calling them and interrupting whatever they may be doing. ∑
-Never sacrifice more than you can recover from in a relationship, because you are not guaranteed your "significant other" will return the favor when you need it.
-If you feel you're not meant to be together at any time; you aren't. ® 
-Never ignore your instincts about a person, especially if you're a woman, because in your case you're always right.  If you're a man, you're probably right as well but your guts are very close to your penises and the message can sometimes be misconstrued. † 
-When you think a man¥ is not listening to you, heˆ isn't.  Regardless of what is said.
-If for some reason your "significant other" is making excuses about having sex or meeting your family, you can be almost guaranteed he/she is not digging you as much as they say they are or you think they are. 
-If you feel the need to read their sent text messages, you are not with the right person.
-When having an argument, never accept,"I don't know" or "I don't want to talk about this right now." more than twice.  It will become its own monster and they will never know and they will never want to talk about it.
-Pertaining to a phone argument, if the other person stays within earshot of mutual friends for the duration, they have little to no respect for you and that should be addressed.
-If you have thought about giving their ego its own name, you should probably start thinking about finding your own place. ø
-Never move in with someone you're dating (unless it's been for several years).  Never.
-Procrastination turns into living in filth. π
-When a breakup occurs, give yourself at least a day to wallow, then say fuck it and get off your ass.  It won't get any better if you sit on your computer making lists of things you've learned about relationships in the past four years. å
-Last but not least: NEVER assume someone feels about you the way you feel about them.  Even if they tell you they love you.  Most people have NO idea what that means. ∂ 

*break

**much
***although probably true in many situations, not something I would add to my lifelong list of What I've Learned in my 29th year.
∑ This was clearly written before it was considered weird to call someone on the phone when texting or email is perfectly viable option.  It's almost become something people with no social skills do, or creepy types who don't give a shit.  For the record, I'd much rather hear someone's voice, but I suck so bad at being an eloquent speaker.  Writing is my thing.  Or so I think...
® This is all sounding very Sex in the City, not fondly. 
† I think I'd change this to,"Never ignore your gut about a person, because you're probably right.  But remember, your guts are very close to your genitals and their messages can sometimes be misconstrued.
 ¥person
ˆthey
ø This is another that sounds like something from that He's Just Not That Into You book-- the Jeff Foxworthy "if, then," thing.
 π WORD.
å Ohhh, ha ha, I see what you're doing there!  Good one, good one.  (*ahem*)
∂ True!  Also, never and no